Gaming my Grooming

A harbinger of my future came from my high school history teacher who casually mentioned to me that I’d eventually look just like him. My teacher looked more like Kojak than Yul Brynner. However, the common denominator between Yul, Kojak, and my history teacher was baldness. Although I brushed it aside, the fact that I still remember the offhand comment indicates that it hit a chord and it stung. Well, goddamn if he wasn’t correct – I started losing my hair in college. I guess there were signs in high school that other bald people can recognize.

Lemme tell you, it’s no fun being bald in your 20’s. Although my history teacher didn’t say, “You’re going bald, man, so maybe you’d better work on your personality,” I got lucky anyway. Fortunately, I had a beautiful girlfriend who is now my beautiful wife, who cares more about what’s inside.

A bald man has several options, none of them great:

1. Go for the comb-over. This used to be de rigeur but try it nowadays and become the butt of jokes.
2. Propecia, aka, staving off the inevitable. Also, it’s likely that long term side effects are worse than baldness.
3. Hair system, aka, toupee. See #1
4. Hair transplant. Gotta admit, Joe Biden’s have held up over time.
5. Shave it all off – works great for those with nicely shaped heads or if you’re a serious baller
6. Just deal with it and accept your lot

Since the beginning, I’ve opted for #6. Each has its pros and cons, even the comb-over. Those of you with hair have never experienced the elements on the top of your pate – the unpleasantness of a cold rain or the pain of a sunburn on your bare head. One could argue, weakly, that a comb-over protects one’s head from the elements!

From an efficiency and cost perspective, baldness is the ultimate win.  A bald head requires little shampoo and no additional product. Showers are short and drying a bald head is effortless and quick. There is no post-shower styling, combing, or blow drying.

Still, the remaining hair on bald heads continues to grow and needs to be cut. Pricing at Barber shops does not favor the bald and the barbers know it. In the past, I’ve received a bald man’s discount which, although humiliating, I accepted gratefully. Other barbers will needlessly extend a haircut realizing that a 5 minute haircut is unfair when the hirsute take 30 minutes. Eventually, I’d had enough and bought the $12.99 Norelco Multigroom 3100 (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00ARF42H0/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1) that includes an attachment to trim hair. I haven’t been the barber in over a year and am able to trim my hair weekly.

I also use this to trim my beard. This inexpensive tool saves lots of time and money and enables me to look about the best I can.

The world is divided into two camps. There are those who fear that bald people are sensitive about it and their feelings should be respected. There are others who see it as an opening for comedy. It’s fun to lob softballs and see who hits them. When I mentioned to colleagues that I loved the feeling of the wind in my hair when I rented a  Mustang convertible, one smart-ass piped up, “Yeah, the wind in your single hair.” I do admire his moxie and willingness to put his year-end bonus at stake!